Withholding love

What is it that makes a marriage? Two people – right? Biblically, a husband and wife (man and woman respectively) are the requirements and result of a marriage. So, what does it take to make it happen?

What is each individual allowed to govern and restrict or allow themselves to justify withholding?

I say: “Nothing!”

I am a man and so I have desires of a man. 

Having said that, I want to focus on something I keep coming across over and over again but first, let’s establish a foundation. 

Let’s agree we are talking about just one couple. There are probably a million combinations and circumstances that, in as many combinations, could change the dynamics just enough that what I’m about to talk about may seem over-simplified or not applicable. Let me challenge you with this thought: Nothing is impossible and it’s all already been done. 

So as you begin to justify this or excuse that, let’s remember and agree who the Author of life is: God almighty, in whom all things are possible. 

If you’re thinking this foundation point is “Pie in the sky”, too mystical or too hard for you to believe – stop reading right now. You can’t be helped.  

The foundation is Faith – Either you believe or you don’t. If you believe, you have no excuse and every thing you do that goes against God’s design is a selfish act and thus sinful. 

“Not one is worthy”, I know. I’m in that club and only share now what I’ve come to realize on my own and through my own discovery. 

We all carry baggage and have caused damage left in the wake of our choices. We’re not going to focus on any of this though. Remember, the point is about withholding love. 

So if we understand that nobody is worthy; we’ve all made mistakes and God is the almighty – then we can accept that we’re all in the same boat and God alone is the designer and navigator and savior – in whom we shall put all our trust. 

God is the author of marriage. 

God is the creator of man first then woman. 

God is perfect and thus has built in His design in all of creation. 

He created man to have relationship with man. 

He created a woman to have a relationship with man. 

Man was made from dust

Woman made from man

Man to love the woman

Woman to help the man

Woman was tempted first

Man should have resisted but couldn’t. Man couldn’t resist the seduction of the woman and therefore didn’t. Couldn’t because he was designed to be attracted to her. 

Being attracted isn’t the sin. Giving into sin is the sin. 

Being tempted or seduced isn’t the sin, giving into it is.  Likewise, being seductive isn’t a sin. 

Woman didn’t eat the forbidden fruit first, she gave it to the man. She served him first as she was designed. 

She needed to feel secure and couldn’t eat first because she was designed to let the man lead. She will be seduced, as will man, but she is designed to submit to her man. She did this. 

Man cannot blame the woman. While she was seduced, he wants her to be seduced. 

While she went near the tree, she did not sin first – the man did as he ate first. 

She told the man what she knew but it was up to the man to protect her. To stand firm in truth and dispel the lie, the temptation, the seduction. 

For this reason, the woman could blame the man and the man is accountable. 

Fast forward thousands of years and we see the same thing play out over and over. 

Role reversals, feminism, chauvinism, and other social labels / identities have been established to simplify the complex nature of life. Don’t buy it. None of it. 

Man – woman – God.  This trinity is the design upon which God has engineered success. Not a single part can be missing and every corner must be operating at full to achieve the greatest success. 

What does this have to do with my topic? Everything!

If we believe the foundation, not saying we like it all the time, what excuse do any of us have for NOT doing our part?

A lack of knowledge? A measure of fair? What’s right or wrong? Fear? These are all dispelled in the Word of God but that requires reading it. Meditating on it. Bettering your relationship with God first, then your spouse second. You, self, come in third place. 

If your not doing this, you will not succeed. You can fake it, but it’s not real and your not only hurting yourself but your spouse , your children and anyone who can see deeper than the superficial smile you put on your face when on display for others. You’re a fake and your causing everyone around you to stumble. 

Get up and sin no more!

Listen, you can say you don’t believe. You can make all kinds of excuses for doing (or not doing) this or that. The bottom line is that you are the one accountable for you and you alone.  

Make it count. Don’t deny it for the sake of your will. It never works and the payoff is never real. Remember the devil is a liar and he hates you. Don’t believe him anymore. 

Stop giving into his tricks engineered to defile and destroy you and your marriage. 

When Jesus said “Get up” he was saying several things at once:

  • Commanding movement
  • Expecting obedience and change
  • Encouraging faith
  • Accepting grace
  • Denying the enemy
  • Redirecting vision 

The guy he was talking to had to

  • Be obedient
  • Believe
  • Change his mindset
  • Correct course
  • Get moving and forget the past

Remember Adam and Eve?   She could have blamed Adam, but she didn’t. He misled her but she didn’t withhold anything from – Ever. 

Let’s take this to a success story: Jesus could have withheld his love but he didn’t.  Guys like Abraham, Noah, Moses, and so many others have done the same but not with as much success. 

When we trust God, we ought to get up and sin no more. He always makes it better. Always!

So stop withholding. Start cleaving. Start investing in your spouse. Start moving in the direction that satisfies them instead of yourself. Stop blaming them and start take responsibility for your sin. Your sins are your fault and no one else’s. Take ownership of the power within you to do something great!

If you withhold your demonstration of love in any way your mate needs – shame on you. 

If you withhold it because you didn’t know then you are like a child and still drink milk instead of the grown up food. 

Immerse yourself, without restraint, in a world of discovering what makes your spouse tick. What gets them going and what turns them on.  Yes, sexually and otherwise!  Stop being predjudice and self-serving you selfish pig. 

If you find something you like to do for your spouse but your spouse doesn’t like it – let it go and let God give it back to you if He wills it. 

The best gifts are the ones we least expected – pure and simple. How much more pleasing would it be to let the Lord almighty have the power over our lives to give us what he wants. 

If you’re withholding anything for any reason – you are living in sin and lust for self. You must run away from this, remorseful in your act. 

The bible is very clear about this.  If you know it’s a sin and you continue to do it, you are essentially denying (denouncing) God. 

Don’t worry about the “what ifs”, “should haves” and “buts”! Remember your adversary!  That devil is hunting you to destroy you. He is the prince of these insecurities and can deceive you better than you know. 

David didn’t think twice about the giant Goliath. Moses didn’t think twice about any of the miracles in Egypt and those after, except the last one. Who are we to question the call of God in our own life as we occupy His creation and live out His design?

We have been told time and time again that God is sufficient. All we have to do is “Get up and sin no more”. 

Stop withholding love. It’s not yours to withhold anyway. It was given to you to give away. That, my friend, is a true demonstration of love.  Giving when not deserved. 

Next:  How to give instead of withhold. 


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