7 ways a wife injures her husband (without even knowing it):

I seem so busy most of the time such that when I find myself in conflict with my wife I can’t usually focus on the why or what for. It happened too fast. Im in the pit and don’t know what hit me to put me there. 

After a while, you beging to see the patterns but it wasn’t until I read this that things made sense. 

Here are 7 ways a wife injures her husband (without even knowing it):

Put him down in front of other people – Most men will not counter this type of humiliation in public – if ever. They will simply take it – and hurt. If they do eventually address it it will be out of stored up resentment – maybe anger – and it won’t be pretty.

Go behind him when he tries to do something at home – When you always show him how much better you can do things than he can do them, his ego is injured. When he fixes the bed – for example – and you follow behind him showing him the “correct way” immediately after he finishes, he is reminded he doesn’t measure up to your standards.Constantly badger him – If he doesn’t do what you want him to do and you remind him. Again. And, again – never accomplishes what you think it will. In fact, it injures him with the opposite result.

Use the “you always” phrase…excessively – Because, he “always” does. Not really, but when you accuse him that he always does – sadly, it only helps build him into a man that always will.

Hold him responsible for your emotional well-being – Acting as if he’s the reason you feel bad today – and every other day you feel bad – puts undue pressure on him he doesn’t know what to do with. And, you don’t have to tell him. Subtly, just be in a bad mood towards him – without releasing him from guilt. He will take the hint and own the responsibility. He will think it’s his fault even if it’s not. And, he carries the pain.

Complain about what you don’t have or get to do – He has a desire to fix things. He wants to be a provider. Every man does. Some attempt to live it out and some don’t. But, when he’s trying, doing the best he can, yet he feels he isn’t measuring up – he’s crushed. When you are always commenting on what other women have – that you don’t – he carries the blame – even if you’re not intending it to be his.

Don’t appreciate his efforts – Want to injure a man? Refuse to appreciate the things he feels he does well. It could be work, a hobby or a trait, but he feels part of his identity in the things he does. When you don’t find them as “valuable” as he does, his ego is bruised.

The reality is a man’s ego (self-confidence and  sense of worth), is greatly tied to his wife. Just as a woman’s is to her husband. We can be fragile people. Some more than others. And, some seasons more than others. Understanding these issues and addressing them – with a third party if necessary – build healthier, stronger and happier people and marriages.

I understand some women, especially the equally or more wounded women, are going to take offense to this post. I get that. I’m prepared for that – I think. All I can say is that you can’t measure my heart or my intention. As I said, I aim to help. You can’t address what you do not know. If you are guilty of any of these, the response is up to you. If not, well, thanks for reading to this point in the post anyway.

I’m praying this lands on ears that need to hear.

Author: Ron Edmondson

Source: http://www.ronedmondson.com/2014/01/7-ways-a-wife-injures-a-husbandwithout-even-knowing-it.html

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Here are 7 ways a husband injures a wife – without even knowing it:

I recently posted “7 Ways a Wife Injures a Husband…Without Even Knowing It“. It’s been a popular post. Thankfully, I’ve not seemed to make a lot of women mad – a few – but not many that I have heard from – yet. We will see how the men respond with this post.

As I committed, a companion post is warranted. Guys, we injure our wife. All of us do. We are different and the way we respond to our wife often causes injury. And, most of the time, it’s unintentional. We didn’t even know we were doing it.I’m not making excuses for us. We should strive to learn our spouse…and do better…understanding our differences – communicating better – injuring less. That’s what this post is about. Awareness. Understanding.

I ran this post by my wife, so it’s Cheryl approved, although it wasn’t hard to write. As a counselor and pastor, I’ve worked with hundreds of couples and have seen this countless times. I wish I could say I never did any of these, but this would be a lie. This post is written with one finger pointed forward and four more pointed my way.

Here are 7 ways a husband injures a wife – without even knowing it:

Cuts her out of the discussion – When you act as if she isn’t even there or wouldn’t understand what you’re talking about, she feels a part of her is detached. She sees the marriage as a partnership – in every part of life – even the parts she may never fully understand.

Fails to notice the difference she makes – A woman doesn’t want to be appreciated for only what she does. She wants you to appreciate who she is, but you can admit it – she does a lot. Whether it’s decorating the house or making sure the clothes are clean – or that you have your favorite soap – a woman wants to know what she does is valued by you.

Underestimates the small stuff – You only said “this” but it was “THIS” to her. And it hurts. You may even think it’s funny. She may even laugh. But it is often building a wall of protection around her heart each time you do. The key here is that you can’t talk to her like you might talk to another guy. She hears and feels deeper than you do. Words can and do hurt.

Speaks with curtness – When you talk down to her, as if she’s somehow less than you, you bruise her spirit. Deeply. And, you know she’s not less than you – you don’t even think she is – she just can’t tell that sometimes based on your tone and the way you talk to her.

Corrects her as she’s talking – This could be finishing her sentences or speaking for her in the company of others. She feels demeaned and devalued when you present her to others as if she can’t compete with you in original thought…which you know isn’t true. (My wife is much smarter than me.)

Acts suspicious – Don’t misunderstand or misapply this one. When you hide information, even when you think you’re protecting her, you cause her to question your motive. When you protect your calendar or act like you are upset at the question, “What did you do today?” or “What did you talk about?” or “Who was that?” when someone calls, it gives her an eerie feeling something is wrong. And, that hurts.

Admires other women over her – She sees you looking. She may even understand your highly visual make-up. It hurts her, however, when a glance becomes a stare, especially when it happens everywhere you go – all the time.

A wife’s heart, no matter how independent or strong she is, is tender in places. Lots of places. She can bruise easily in some areas of her life – especially the places which involve the people she loves the most – like you. A husband who understands this is more careful in how he speaks and responds to her.

Most husbands I know would never injure their wife knowingly. They want to be her protector. Men, when we don’t realize the damage we are doing to our wives emotions, we invalidate every desire we have to be her defender. I always like to use this thought as a reminder: Would I ever allow another man to speak to or treat my wife like I am doing? She’s a precious gift guys – let’s treat her well.

10 Things Guys Wish Women Knew about Men

It is likely no surprise to you that God has wired women and men differently. We all recognize some of these differences, but others often hide in plain sight. Shaunti Feldhahn, a nationally syndicated newspaper columnist, author and speaker wrote a fantastic book, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men.

In it, she recounts the surprising truths she learned about men after interviewing more than 1,000 of them. I had the opportunity to interview Shaunti for our radio broadcast, HomeWord with Jim Burns. In our discussion, we spoke about 10 things guys wish women knew about men. I think you’ll find these 10 things fascinating! Even more, I believe that in understanding these issues, you’ll be equipped to lead your marriage to a better place!

1. Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected.

Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives trust them, admire them and believe in them. Shaunti Feldhahn’s research indicated that men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them.

2. A man’s anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife.

When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, “You’re disrespecting me!” But, there is a good likelihood that he is feeling stung by something his wife has done which he considers disrespectful and humiliating.

3. Men are insecure.

Men are afraid that they aren’t cutting it in life —  not just at work, but at home, in their role as a husband. They may never vocalize this, but inwardly, they are secretly vulnerable. The antidote? Affirmation. To men, affirmation from their wives is everything! If they don’t receive this affirmation from their wives, they’ll seek it elsewhere. When they receive regular and genuine affirmation from their wives (not flattery, by the way), they become much more secure and confident in all areas of their lives.

4. Men feel the burden of being the provider for their family.

Intellectually, it doesn’t matter how much or little a man makes, or whether or not his wife makes more or less money in her career. Men simply bear the emotional burden of providing for their family. It’s not a burden they’ve chosen to bear. Men are simply wired with this burden. As such, it is never far from their minds and can result in the feeling of being trapped. While wives cannot release their husbands from this burden, they can relieve it through a healthy dose of appreciation, encouragement and support.

5. Men want more sex.

Everyone’s natural response to this is probably, “Duh!” But, that response is probably for the wrong reason. We primarily assume that men want more sex with their wives due to their physical wiring (their “needs”). But, surprisingly, Shaunti Feldhahn’s research showed that the reason men want more sex is because of their strong need to be desired by their wives. Men simply need to be wanted. Regular, fulfilling sex is critical to a man’s sense of feeling loved and desired.

6. Sex means more than sex.

When men feel their wives desire them sexually, it has a profound effect on the rest of their lives. It gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well-being that carries over into every other area of his life. The flipside of this coin also carries a profoundly negative affect. When a husband feels rejected sexually, he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider and man. This is why making sex a priority in marriage is so incredibly important!

7. Men struggle with visual temptation.

This means the vast majority of men respond to visual images when it comes to women. And, this doesn’t just mean the guys with wandering eyes. Even the most godly husband cannot avoid noticing a woman who dresses in a way that draws attention to her body. Even if it is just a glance, these visual images are stored away in the male brain as a sort of “visual rolodex”; that will reappear without any warning. Men can choose whether to dwell on these images and memories or dismiss them, but they can’t control when these images appear.

8. Men enjoy romance, but doubt their skills to be romantic.

True, many men appear to be unromantic clods, but it doesn’t mean that they want to be that way! Men want to be romantic, but they just doubt their ability to pull it off. They are plagued by internal hesitations, perceiving the risk of humiliation and failure as too high. Wives can do a great deal to increase their husbands’ confidence in their romantic skills through encouragement and redefining what romance looks like. For example, a wife may balk when her husband asks her to go along to the hardware store, but it’s likely that he’s asking because he sees it as a time they can get away as a couple and hang out together. What’s not romantic about that?

9. Men care about their wife’s appearance.

This isn’t saying that all men want their wives to look like the latest supermodel. What men really want is to know that their wives are making an effort to take care of themselves (and not letting themselves go) because it matters to them (the husbands!). Husbands appreciate the efforts their wives make to maintain their attractiveness.

10. Men want their wives to know how much they love them.

This was the number one response of men. Men aren’t confident in their ability to express this, but they love their wives dearly. Men want to show how much they love their wives and long for them to understand this fact.


About the Author

Jim Burns is president of HomeWord and has written books for parents, youth workers, and students. Jim and his wife, Cathy, and their daughters Christy, Rebecca, and Heidi, live in Southern California. Visit www.homeword.com for more.

For additional information on HomeWord, visit www.homeword.com.

Original post from CBN.com by Jim Burns

Withholding love

What is it that makes a marriage? Two people – right? Biblically, a husband and wife (man and woman respectively) are the requirements and result of a marriage. So, what does it take to make it happen?

What is each individual allowed to govern and restrict or allow themselves to justify withholding?

I say: “Nothing!”

I am a man and so I have desires of a man. 

Having said that, I want to focus on something I keep coming across over and over again but first, let’s establish a foundation. 

Let’s agree we are talking about just one couple. There are probably a million combinations and circumstances that, in as many combinations, could change the dynamics just enough that what I’m about to talk about may seem over-simplified or not applicable. Let me challenge you with this thought: Nothing is impossible and it’s all already been done. 

So as you begin to justify this or excuse that, let’s remember and agree who the Author of life is: God almighty, in whom all things are possible. 

If you’re thinking this foundation point is “Pie in the sky”, too mystical or too hard for you to believe – stop reading right now. You can’t be helped.  

The foundation is Faith – Either you believe or you don’t. If you believe, you have no excuse and every thing you do that goes against God’s design is a selfish act and thus sinful. 

“Not one is worthy”, I know. I’m in that club and only share now what I’ve come to realize on my own and through my own discovery. 

We all carry baggage and have caused damage left in the wake of our choices. We’re not going to focus on any of this though. Remember, the point is about withholding love. 

So if we understand that nobody is worthy; we’ve all made mistakes and God is the almighty – then we can accept that we’re all in the same boat and God alone is the designer and navigator and savior – in whom we shall put all our trust. 

God is the author of marriage. 

God is the creator of man first then woman. 

God is perfect and thus has built in His design in all of creation. 

He created man to have relationship with man. 

He created a woman to have a relationship with man. 

Man was made from dust

Woman made from man

Man to love the woman

Woman to help the man

Woman was tempted first

Man should have resisted but couldn’t. Man couldn’t resist the seduction of the woman and therefore didn’t. Couldn’t because he was designed to be attracted to her. 

Being attracted isn’t the sin. Giving into sin is the sin. 

Being tempted or seduced isn’t the sin, giving into it is.  Likewise, being seductive isn’t a sin. 

Woman didn’t eat the forbidden fruit first, she gave it to the man. She served him first as she was designed. 

She needed to feel secure and couldn’t eat first because she was designed to let the man lead. She will be seduced, as will man, but she is designed to submit to her man. She did this. 

Man cannot blame the woman. While she was seduced, he wants her to be seduced. 

While she went near the tree, she did not sin first – the man did as he ate first. 

She told the man what she knew but it was up to the man to protect her. To stand firm in truth and dispel the lie, the temptation, the seduction. 

For this reason, the woman could blame the man and the man is accountable. 

Fast forward thousands of years and we see the same thing play out over and over. 

Role reversals, feminism, chauvinism, and other social labels / identities have been established to simplify the complex nature of life. Don’t buy it. None of it. 

Man – woman – God.  This trinity is the design upon which God has engineered success. Not a single part can be missing and every corner must be operating at full to achieve the greatest success. 

What does this have to do with my topic? Everything!

If we believe the foundation, not saying we like it all the time, what excuse do any of us have for NOT doing our part?

A lack of knowledge? A measure of fair? What’s right or wrong? Fear? These are all dispelled in the Word of God but that requires reading it. Meditating on it. Bettering your relationship with God first, then your spouse second. You, self, come in third place. 

If your not doing this, you will not succeed. You can fake it, but it’s not real and your not only hurting yourself but your spouse , your children and anyone who can see deeper than the superficial smile you put on your face when on display for others. You’re a fake and your causing everyone around you to stumble. 

Get up and sin no more!

Listen, you can say you don’t believe. You can make all kinds of excuses for doing (or not doing) this or that. The bottom line is that you are the one accountable for you and you alone.  

Make it count. Don’t deny it for the sake of your will. It never works and the payoff is never real. Remember the devil is a liar and he hates you. Don’t believe him anymore. 

Stop giving into his tricks engineered to defile and destroy you and your marriage. 

When Jesus said “Get up” he was saying several things at once:

  • Commanding movement
  • Expecting obedience and change
  • Encouraging faith
  • Accepting grace
  • Denying the enemy
  • Redirecting vision 

The guy he was talking to had to

  • Be obedient
  • Believe
  • Change his mindset
  • Correct course
  • Get moving and forget the past

Remember Adam and Eve?   She could have blamed Adam, but she didn’t. He misled her but she didn’t withhold anything from – Ever. 

Let’s take this to a success story: Jesus could have withheld his love but he didn’t.  Guys like Abraham, Noah, Moses, and so many others have done the same but not with as much success. 

When we trust God, we ought to get up and sin no more. He always makes it better. Always!

So stop withholding. Start cleaving. Start investing in your spouse. Start moving in the direction that satisfies them instead of yourself. Stop blaming them and start take responsibility for your sin. Your sins are your fault and no one else’s. Take ownership of the power within you to do something great!

If you withhold your demonstration of love in any way your mate needs – shame on you. 

If you withhold it because you didn’t know then you are like a child and still drink milk instead of the grown up food. 

Immerse yourself, without restraint, in a world of discovering what makes your spouse tick. What gets them going and what turns them on.  Yes, sexually and otherwise!  Stop being predjudice and self-serving you selfish pig. 

If you find something you like to do for your spouse but your spouse doesn’t like it – let it go and let God give it back to you if He wills it. 

The best gifts are the ones we least expected – pure and simple. How much more pleasing would it be to let the Lord almighty have the power over our lives to give us what he wants. 

If you’re withholding anything for any reason – you are living in sin and lust for self. You must run away from this, remorseful in your act. 

The bible is very clear about this.  If you know it’s a sin and you continue to do it, you are essentially denying (denouncing) God. 

Don’t worry about the “what ifs”, “should haves” and “buts”! Remember your adversary!  That devil is hunting you to destroy you. He is the prince of these insecurities and can deceive you better than you know. 

David didn’t think twice about the giant Goliath. Moses didn’t think twice about any of the miracles in Egypt and those after, except the last one. Who are we to question the call of God in our own life as we occupy His creation and live out His design?

We have been told time and time again that God is sufficient. All we have to do is “Get up and sin no more”. 

Stop withholding love. It’s not yours to withhold anyway. It was given to you to give away. That, my friend, is a true demonstration of love.  Giving when not deserved. 

Next:  How to give instead of withhold.